Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Quotes

Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...

Mr. Shickadance: [walks up to Ace from behind him] Ventura. Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.

Lt. Lois: And somebody get me some coffee! Ace: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.

Who let Dr. Dolittle in?

Gee, let me think. Um sure.

[after Ace wrestles with a shark] Do not go in there. Woo!

Come to me jungle friends.

Once you get inside my head, there's no turning back baby.

Melissa: Have you ever heard of FAN? Ace: Free Animals Now. Started in 1982, by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble. Over half a million members from Florida to Finland. No. Who are they?

[after a swarm of animals emerge from several different hiding places] Come to me my animal friends!

Lt. Lois: What would you know about pressure. Ace: Well, I have kissed a man.

My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!

That was a close one ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately in every contest, there must be a loser. Loo-hoo-ser-her.

Ronald: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace. Ace: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

Excuse me, gentleman. Pet Detective. Come on, what's the matter with you? Can't you hit me?

Thought I left, didn't ya?

Hi, I'm Dan Marino and if anyone knows the value of protection it's me.

Melissa: You're unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made. Ace: Well, why don't you cry about it. Saddlebags.

[Ace manages a perfect 180-degree slide and perfectly parallel parks his car] Like a glove!

Ace: Where's Dan Marino? Melissa: Marino, why? Ace: Because he's about to join Snowflake. I've got to know where he is.

I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.

Hmm-mmm. I don't smoke. It's a disgusting habit.

Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Superbowl?

Melissa: Poor guy. Ace: Poor guy with a motive, baby.

Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger. Ace: Oh yeah? And you're ugly.

Ronald: [refering to his fish collection] They're wonderful, aren't they? Melissa: Yes, they certainly are. Ronald: No matter what's going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be totally at peace.

Your gun is digging into my hip.

Good night, everybody. You've been a wonderful audience, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited.

LT. Lois: We'll find the porpoise. Ace: [says to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that.

Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank. Ace: [imitates Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power. Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now! Ace: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Ronald: Who is he, a friend? Melissa: No, this is my date. He's a lawyer. Ronald: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?" Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace. Ace: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight? Ronald: [says nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Mr. Shickadance: Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all. Ace: [slams the door in Mr. Shickadance's face] All right! Take care now! Bye-bye, then! L-oser!

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

[Ace just got his car to start] It's alive. It's alive.

All righty then!

I have to have money to buy food. I have to have a dolphin to get the money. I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?

Ace: [Lt. Einhorn points a gun at Ace's head and he pleads for his life] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want. Dan: No, no kill him.

Ace: She's not Lois Einhorn!, She's Ray Finkle, she's a man. Lt. Lois: He's lying. Shoot him!

Melissa: Ace, Where are you? Ace: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

Lt. Lois: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick. Ace: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!

Lt. Lois: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone. Ace: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Obsess much?

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent in with a special play. Quarter back sneak.

Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

Lois: Die animal boy! Ace: Quick Decision

Now, kiss and make up.

Doctor: Has he always had a history of mental illness? Melissa: [says honestly] For as long as I've known him.

Receipts, what about receipts? There's gotta be receipts.

Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Ace: You're certain you had to open this door. Aguado: Yeah, I'm certain. Lt. Lois: What's the point, Ventura? Ace: Only this.

Melissa: That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment. Ace: You don't have to tell me. I was there.

[Ace is bent over and talking from his behind] Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?

I need some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Dan.

Lt. Lois: You've done some fine detective work... 'Ace'. Ace: I'm sorry. Could you please speak in to my good ear? I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Be careful with that phone, Lieutenant. In time you could develop a tumour.

Melissa: I'm sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it's not a fish, it's a mammal. Riddle: Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

Yes, yes, oh yes! Can you feel that buddy? I have exorcised the demons. This house is clean.

You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy.

Oh there is just one more thing Lieutenant...